K-Lo Goes to Confession

V Dearly Beloved


K-Lo: Blee-e-e-. Bless m-e-e--. (Breaks down in uncontrolled sobbing.)

Father: Kathryn Jean, thank The Lord you're back. I was so worried, young lady, when I received your wedding invitation.

K-Lo: (wailing) Fah-fa-faaatheeeer!

Father: There, there dear. Let it out. I know it hurts.

K-Lo: Father, he didn't want me! "Mittens" didn't want me!

Father: Dear child, he's a married man. I'm sure if he knew you he'd grow to appreciate your Godliness, but you can't marry him. It's against the law.

K-Lo: But his grandfather had multiple wives! And in the Bible--

Father: Kathryn Jean, I never thought you would be a cafeteria Catholic.

K-Lo: (Gasps.)

Father: Yes, I said it and I meant it. Marriage is only permitted between one man and one woman, and Mittens--I mean Mr. Romney--is already married. I'm sorry, Kathryn Jean, but you will have to obey me in this matter.

K-Lo: If Mr. John McCain is elected he could choose Mittens for vice president, and when McCain leaves office Mittens could become president. The president can make any laws he wants because it's God's will that he's the commander-in-chief.

Father: Kathryn Jean, do you remember taking Civics with Sister Paul of Tarsus?

K-Lo: Of course, Father. Sister Paul taught me that prayer is always appropriate, no matter what the circumstances. She prayed under her breath every time she talked to me.

Father: (coughs) Yes, praying. Sister Paul told you that the president doesn't make the laws, Congress does. And Mr. Romney couldn't change this law anyway because it comes from God. Now be a good girl and go home to your mother. She's worried sick and, frankly, a little angry. She has fifty pounds of shrimp and one hundred chicken kievs stored in the church cafeteria's refrigerators, and she wants to have a word with you.

K-Lo: It was so awful, Father. Mittens wouldn't even talk to me and Tagg laughed in my face. Then the boys played keep-away with my bouquet. My dress got all wrinkled and dirty when I gassed up the car. And there was the incident with the police which totally wasn't my fault. I just needed to a little something to steady my nerves on the drive home, but those meanies called the police and I almost got arrested.

Father: Kathryn Jean, you didn't drive home inebriated, did you?

K-Lo: Of course not, Father! Everyone knows ladies don't go to bars alone. It was just a little misunderstanding at the Keebler factory. They don't let people into factory for hygiene purposes, and they really don't like it when you climb on the conveyor belt to reach the fudge stripes. But they let me go. I think they felt sorry for me because I was still wearing my wedding dress and crying a lot. By the way, Father, who's Miss Haversham?

Father: Never mind, dear. Just run on home and don't give up hope. You'll have the husband and children you want, one day.

K-Lo: Thanks Father. I feel much better now. I'll never give up or lose faith. After all, there's still a chance I can wear him down on the cruise!

Father: Bless you, you poor child.