K-Lo Goes To Confession

X All Tied Up

K-Lo: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been two days since my last confession. But before I confess I have a question to ask. Father, I'm confused. Is it immoral to torture your enemies, like the Nazis did?

Father: Yes, of course, Kathryn Jean.

K-Lo: But were the Nazis really so bad? Nazis are always bad in the movies but Jonah says that Hitler wasn't really so bad and he liked puppies and kittens.

Father: Of course they were; they committed many, many atrocities while trying to wage world war.

K-Lo: But the pope was a Nazi so that means they were good.

Father: He was forced to join the Hitler Youth, Kathryn Jean, it's not the same thing.

K-Lo: But Jonah said that if you call yourself socialist you are socialist. So if you call yourself a Nazi doesn't that mean you are a Nazi?

Father: (firmly) No, Kathryn Jean, it doesn't. Didn't you study WWII in history?

K-Lo: I took history at Catholic U. but we never made it to the Enlightenment I'm asking because Mark Theissen said that if a country needs to kill people it is ethical to kill and torture them. You know, the just war theory. It's okay to torture the Iraqis because Saddam attacked us first and leaving him in power would be worse than invading. Mark said if you torture someone for a good reason it's not only okay, but it's moral and ethical.

Father: That's not exactly--look, Kathryn Jean, the pope frowned very heavily on our invasion of Iraq. He said it was a threat to humanity.

K-Lo: (coldly) What?

Father: He said---.

K-Lo: You take that back!

Father: Kathryn Jean, those are the pope's words.

K-Lo: The pope loves George Bush! And the war!

Father: No, Kathryn Jean. The late pope and the present pope are and were against the war for moral reasons. Only God may take a life.

K-Lo: Father, this is horrible.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I know you are against abortion because it is the taking of life. Surely you are against the death of other innocents as well?

K-Lo: No, no, not that, Father. It's---well, I might have done something wrong.

Father: I'm sure that whatever it is, you meant well. What did you do?

K-Lo: Father I just wanted to to help!

Father: Help whom?

K-Lo: See, there was a woman going into an abortion place that I was picketing....

Father: And...?

K-Lo: She works there, killing little babies, Father. She's a bad, evil woman. So I just asked her to come over to the car.

Father: To...?

K-Lo: Talk to me about her work.

Father: Then...?

K-Lo: I hit her with a blackjack and put her in the basement.

Father: Where...?

K-Lo: I kind of tied her to a board and poured bottled water on her face.

Father: And...?

K-Lo: Made her promise to never go to that horrible place again.

Father: (hopefully) Then you let her go?

K-Lo: Ah, no. If I released her she'd just kill again.

Father: Where is she now?

K-Lo: I tied her to a chair and left her in the basement. But it's okay, I gave her a soda with a straw and put my "Bibleman" tape on the tv for her to watch.

Father: Kathryn Jean, you go home right now and release that woman. The judge is going to be very angry with you.

K-Lo: Father, do we have to tell him? I promise I won't do it again. He'll have to forgive me if I confess, right?

Father: God forgives, Kathryn Jean. The justice system doesn't. You'd better call your lawyer.

K-Lo: (Sigh) Oh, well. Maybe the policemen will be single and he'll admire my morals and ethics and ask me to marry him and have his children for the greater glory of God.

Father: Or it's God's plan for you to make helping the helpless your life's work, Kathryn Jean. Perhaps being childless is God's plan for you after all. As well as a way of protecting children.

K-Lo: I just want to obey somebody, Father. I don't really care who. It's so hard to figure out the right thing to do.

Father: Very true, Kathryn Jean. Sometimes we just have to do what we think is right and hope for the best.

K-Lo: We have to think? I thought we just have to obey. Nobody told me we have to think, too.

Father: Suddenly everything has become perfectly clear.