K-Lo Goes To Confession

K-Lo: Bless me, Father for I have sinned. It's been two days since my last confession. Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for the horrible meanies who say all those horrible things about Mrs. Ex-Governor Palin. They make me sick. Levi Johnson probably isn't even Catholic. Just look at his name! Is Levi a Catholic name? No, it is not. Levi Johnson is making baby Jesus cry, I just know it. And not a little whimper, either, a big fat crying, like lots of angry babies--.

Father: Kathryn Jean, please, calm yourself. You know how much People upsets you, maybe you should---.

K-Lo: It was Vanity Fair and it was for work, Father, I promise. Our future First Lady President is under attack and I had to defend her. She was nursing a viper at her breast, Father, feeding him the milk of human kindness ,and he threw up the barf of disloyalty all over her.

Father: Kathryn Jean, please---.

K-Lo: Sorry, Father, I didn't mean to be vulgar. Hey, it's kind of convenient to sin in the confessional. You don't have to wait to unburden yourself and risk eternal damnation by getting hit by a bus before you go to Church.

Father: Speaking of sinning, Kathryn Jean, do you have anything else to confess?

K-Lo: I thought about taking a life, but just for a second, Father. Fortunately I carry Jesus in my heart at all times and He turned me away from hatred just in time. Although I don't think I'll get my deposit back at the gun shop, a punishment I gratefully accept for opening my heart to sin.

Father: Kathryn Jean, you may not have a gun.

K-Lo: But the socialists want to take away my freedoms!

Father: No.

K-Lo: I need a gun to defend my right to protect myself from liberals, Father. They eat people, just like that zombie movie I saw on tv when Mama and Daddy left me with a baby-sitter. Sure, it's just a finger today, but tomorrow it'll be brains and Jonah says I can't spare any.

Father: No.

K-Lo: But---.

Father: Kathryn Jean, no. No guns. God watches over us all, and He'll protect us from any zombie attacks, I promise.

K-Lo: True, it won't be His first zombie attack. Thanks, Father, I feel better. And I promise not to shoot Levi Johnson, even after he said that Sarah doesn't care about Baby Trigg. Of course she loves him, Father; she didn't have an abortion even though Obama told her to.

Father: Kathryn Jean, Obama did not tell her to---.

K-Lo:: I read it on the internet, Father, it has to be true.

Father: Try to look for the good, Kathryn Jean. And the truth, that would be good as well.

K-Lo: I am, Father. If it's true that Mrs. Palin doesn't really love Todd, maybe she'll move to Washington, District of Perversion, and we can be roomies. I'll bring her coffee and cokes and breakfast in bed every day if she wants. She likes people who are helpful and giving of their time.

Father: Kathryn Jean, say ten Hail Marys and ten Our Fathers. And for Heaven's sake, stay away from chainsaws.