Atlas Shrugged: The Mocking

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

K-Lo Goes To Confession

XII: Promotion

K-Lo: Bless me father for I have sinned. I think. I'm not sure. It's been two days since my last confession, two days of horror. My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?

Father: Kathryn Jean, welcome back from Ave Maria. I'm sorry things didn't--

K-Lo: Cut the chatter, Father, I have a problem. I--I'm no longer the editor of National Review Online. They didn't want me anymore, Father. They rejected me, just like the girls in fourth grade and that cute boy at the Catholic U. mixer and every dang man that ever showed up on a blind date. (Sobs.) Sorry for the strong language, Father.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I'm so sorry, my dear. These are tough times indeed, and I have been praying for you ever since you told me about all those books by Mr. Buckley that you had to sell or move out of your headquarters. What will you do?

K-Lo: I'm going to be editor-at-large.

Father: (Giggles.)

K-Lo: Father, why does everyone laugh when I say that? Does "editor-at-large" have some secret liberal porn meaning?

Father: No, my dear, it's just that we're, uh, happy for your success.

K-Lo: I'm not so sure I'm happy with my new success, Father. I have to do Jonah's job now and I'm not sure what Jonah actually does. Sometimes he goes to the movies or gives a lecture, and he always interviews someone at lunchtime for a very important article. Some times he hangs up his Seven of Nine poster and locks his door and he's busy for hours and I have no idea what he's doing. He must have to think really hard!

Father: Kathryn Jean, I've read Mr. Goldberg's work and I'm sure you'll have no trouble filling his shoes, so to speak.

K-Lo: That's not the only thing that's worrying me, Father. I have to move to Washington, DC, away from Mama and Papa. I'll be all on my own, unless I can find a nice elderly woman who wouldn't mind renting a room to a quiet girl with good morals.

Father: Or a nice apartment, or maybe a condo. Kathryn Jean, this is a perfect opportunity for your to do what I've been recommending--get out a bit. Perhaps meet some new people.

K-Lo: Mama says that all a good girl needs is her mother and father and the love of Jesus.

Father: Well, yes, but just as your mother found her mate, I am sure you will find yours.

K-Lo: Who will take care of me until then, Father? Who will tell me what to do? What to think?

Father: You will still have your conscience, as well as your parents, your new priests and the pope.

K-Lo: Where's the pope when you're at a dinner party with a coworker and you start picturing yourself in his manly arms? Huh? When you get that tingly feeling that reminds you that the last time a boy kissed you was oh, a week after never and you're tempted to give in to the same animal lusts that deflowered Bristol Palin and forever left her with the stain of sin on her brow and a babe in arms?

Father: There is always prayer, Kathryn Jean, and it will help your through any crises.

K-Lo: Yes, Father. (Sigh.) Will you say good-bye to Sister Paul of Tarsus for me? Tell her I appreciate all she taught me at school and I won't forget my promise to wear my habit only on Halloween.

Father: I'll do that. I'll miss you very much, Kathryn Jean. You're a fine Christian woman, and I'm sure you'll be successful in your exciting new life. Is there anything I can do to help? Shall I send some of the boys over from the Youth group to help you pack?

K-Lo: Thanks; I still have a few hundred William F. Buckley books to pack, so I'd appreciate the help. Thank you, Father, for being there for me during my times of woe. I'll never forget you.

Father: You too, Kathryn Jean. But I hope to see you at Mass when you visit your parents.

K-Lo: It won't be the same, Father. I feel like I'm leaving my girlhood behind and am becoming a woman. Can you see it on my face, Father? Can you see the rejection and lost hopes and dreams? Can you?

Father: Now, Kathryn Jean, just take a deep breath. You'll be fine. The capitol city will be a very exciting place to work.

K-Lo: It's a den of inequity, Father. Nothing but liberals as far as the eye can see. How will I ever find my True Love among baby-killers and fornicators?

Father: That reminds me, I have a meeting in five minutes with the anti-abortion protest committee. I know of several very nice young men who live in Washington and I'll be happy to e-mail you the names. Bless you, Kathryn Jean, until I have the pleasure of meeting you again.

K-Lo: You're so sweet, Father. I'll be strong and keep my eyes on the Lord. And I have a few ideas about anti-abortion protests myself.

Father: Ah, that might not be--

K-Lo: Good-bye Father, until we meet again!


Julia Grey said...

Snorkle. Another good 'un.

I really do feel a little bit sorry for the sorry twit.

Susan of Texas said...

I'm afraid this might be the end of Lopez stories. It just won't be the same when she's gone.

I could take up the Anchoress, but she's a little too crazy and she scares me.