Father: Welcome, Kathryn Jean. It's wonderful to see you again. It's been such a long time.
K-Lo: I'm sorry, Father, I've been busy protected Washington, District of Columbia, from the cloud of sin that hangs over it, sending down lighting bolts of Heavenly Disapproval whenever "President" Obama is in the White House. I just can't believe it, Father.
Father: Believe what, Kathryn Jean?
K-Lo: I can't believe Obama doesn't even care that he shouldn't be president. Why does he think it's called the White House? Huh? Has he even thought about that? It's not called the Kenyan House or the Chicago Gangsta House or the---.
Father: Kathryn Jean, you seem to be a little more upset than usual. What's wrong?
K-Lo: Father, I'm so discouraged. If it weren't a sin to think about myself instead of Jesus I might even become depressed. It seems that every day we get farther and farther away from Jesus and nearer and nearer to secular humanism, the Religion of the Damned.
Father: I agree but---.
K-Lo: I interviewed Former Pennsylvania Senator the Honorable Mr. "Rick" Santorum, and he said that Mr. JFK Kennedy ushered in an era of separation of church and state and now Christians are being hunted down like second-class citizens! Hunted! With laws and speeches and the (whispering) ACLU.(makes the sign of the cross rapidly) And Mr. Romney said---.
Father: Wait--you didn't talk to him, did you?
K-Lo: No, Father, of course not. Not after I promised. I would never break my vow to Jesus and Mrs. Romney. Plus the Romney boys said they'd toilet paper my parents' apartment if I did and I would just die of shame if someone saw toilet paper on our house. Because when you see toilet paper you think of toilets and then you think of your body and then you start to feel really really bad and you're not allowed to wear hair shirt anymore because Mama said the maid was complaining because I was shedding all over the floor and---.
Father: Kathryn Jean, perhaps you would like to confess something now? The First Confession class is going to be here any minute.
K-Lo: Oh, Father, how exciting! I remember my First Confession. I wore a black dress to symbolize how sorry I was for my sins and Mama gave me my own little black veil to wear, just like hers. Only Patrick O'Bannon stole it and threw it up in the organ loft, the little creep. God will get him one day!
Father: So you were saying?
K-Lo: Sorry, Father. Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last confession. Oh my God I am heartily sorry for--oh, wait. I already confessed about that. I know--I took the name of the Lord in vain when I read that people were saying mean things about Mr. Santorum. Mr. Santorum said that people were accusing him of wanting a theocracy, which is so mean and also not true!
Father: Of course not. I absolve--.
K-Lo: Just because he says that Catholic political leaders should always obey their priests when they vote, that doesn't mean that they believe in a theocracy! All people have to do is obey God and the pope and bishops and priests (but not nuns) and their senators and representatives and the police and their parents and then everyone will be free! Instead of persecuted which is what we are now, when a decent real American can't even tell other people to obey the pope! How wrong is that? He's the pope! Of course we all have to do what he says! God says so!
Father: Kathryn Jean, breathe! That's better young lady. I absolve you of all your sins. Say ten Hail Marys and remember that the Truth cannot be denied; it always wins in the end.
K-Lo: Thanks, Father. I feel better now.
Father: That's why I'm here, Kathryn Jean. Now why don't you run home to your mother and help her make supper. That will give you time to rest your brain a little.
K-Lo: Oh, my brain's not tired at all, Father. But I will do what you say. Mama did mention something about needing a little help around the house, but I thought she was just talking to the maid. How can a person think of chores when Christians are being hunted down in the streets?
Father: Remember Martha, Kathryn Jean, and go with God.
K-Lo: Yes, Father.
Father: Kathryn Jean, you can't go with God unless you actually go.
K-Lo: Right, Father. (sigh) Onward, Christian Soldiers! Father, if I am a Christian soldier does that mean I can buy---.
K-Lo: Just a little--
Father: No, Kathryn Jean. No guns.
K-Lo: Yes, Father. Oh, Father, I think you better talk to that little girl outside the door. She's telling her Mama that I have a gun and I'm threatening to use it.
Father: Oh dear God. (exits rapidly)
K-Lo: Why does this kind of thing always happen to me?