In a surprise announcement Pope Benedict XVI resigned today to fulfill his life-long dream of running for vice president of the United States. Vatican spokesman Cardinal Antonio Bernolotti said Rep. Paul Ryan offered the office of the vice presidency to the soon-to-be-former pope and Pope Benedict XVI accepted.
"Yes, the Pope resigned," Cardinal Bernolotti responded to reporters' questions. "Rep. Ryan told the Pope to fill out a questionnaire and even thought the Pope was a little too liberal to suit him, he offered the pope the job. He ought to clean up on the Catholic vote next time!"
Cardinal Bernolotti refused to answer questions about the former pontiff's shopping trip to Prada and Gucci, paid for by donations from Republicans, or the rumors that Pope Benedict XVI travels with a large entourage of family retainers.