K-Lo Goes To Confession: Death And The Maiden

Father: Kathryn Jean, welcome back to New York. So, what do you have for me today? A little sloth, or maybe your talked back to your mother?

K-Lo: (muffled murmur)

Father: I beg your pardon?

K-Lo: (clearly) Sorry, Father, my veil was making it hard to talk. Just pretend I'm wearing it, okay? I don't want God to get mad at me. You know how he loves to smite. Can I start again?

Father: Yes, go ahead.

K-Lo: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been twenty-two hours since my last confession. Oh my God I am heartily sorry for what I have done and what I have failed to do. I have sinned against You which was really wrong but I'm sorry now, so no hard feelings, right? I took the name of the Lord in vain a few times in the course of my duties at The Corner as a Helpmeet for the Lord and any male who needs a woman to be his moral center and guiding light.

Father: And?

K-Lo: Sorry, Father, but that's it. I've been really busy with the funeral arrangements. There's just so many things to attend to and of course I'm not at my best right now with a death in the immediate family and all. Do you like my mourning outfit, Father? I figured you can't go wrong with a black suit, and maybe a piece of jewelry made out of the hair of your loved ones, like Good Queen Bess and Prince Albert.

Father: I think you mean Queen Vic---. Never mind. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and I hope we have not lost either of your good parents.

K-Lo: Oh, gosh, no, they're fine. Besides, they told me ages ago that they weren't going to die for a very long time, so don't worry.

Father: An uncle or aunt or cousin perhaps?

K-Lo: Nope.

Father: Ah, Kathryn Jean, you don't have any other immediate relatives.

K-Lo: (Bursts into loud sobs.)

Father: Katharyn Jean, is there something you need to tell me?

K-Lo: It's all the babies, Father. There are dead babies everywhere! It's so sad!

Father: Your tender feelings do you credit, Kathryn Jean, but God is here to help you with your burdens.

K-Lo: I know, Father, and I pray all the time but people still have abortions! We have to do something to save the babies! (Sobs)

Father: Kathryn Jean, you have enough to worry about right now. Let God shoulder your burden for a little while or you might become overwhelmed.

K-Lo: It's okay, Father, I have a plan to fight back against modern hedonism and sexual depravity. If we could only get people to realize that they are having an abortion then they would stop having abortions. They have no idea what they are doing! The need to be told before it's too late! (blows nose)

Father: Kathryn Jean, remember your faith and trust in God . And  your restraining orders.

K-Lo: But Father! Depravity! Death! Baby Armageddon!

Father: The people who work in abortion clinics know they are working in abortion clinics, Kathryn Jean. And you have other things to worry about.

K-Lo: But they don't know about the poor babies, Father! If they only realized that they were killing sweet little baby people they would stop!

Father: They are, indeed, all our children. So you are participating in the Priests For Life protest?

K-Lo: In a way.

Father: And that way would be...?

K-Lo: They are doing such wonderful work by naming and remembering all the poor dead babies that I wanted to do my part too. That's okay, isn't it? I mean, terms-of-probation-wise.

Father: And your part would be---.

K-Lo: Father, you are cordially invited to a funeral for my future fetus, to be held tonight in the park across the street from Mama and Daddy's apartment building.

Father: Your---.

K-Lo: Future Fetus. My baby-to-be, God and ChristianMatch willing.

Father: Your---.

K-Lo: Doesn't he deserve a funeral, Father? We can't harden our hearts to God's gift of life! He's a person, he needs a name, dammit! Oh, sorry, Father, that was for extra oomph, I don't really want to name my egg Dammit. How would he know if someone was calling his name or just cursing?

Father: Your---.

K-Lo: First we are going to have the service and then we'll have a candlelight vigil in Mama and Daddy's backyard, where they're buried.

Father: They?

K-Lo: Be sure you're careful where you step, Father, it's getting kind of crowded back there and people keep on stepping on the tiny little tombstones and knocking them over.

Father: Okay.

K-Lo: Then I can go ahead with the funeral arrangements?

Father: Okay.

K-Lo: Swell! See you tonight, Father! Oh, wait, don't you want me to say a Hail Mary or something?

Father: Okay.

K-Lo: Gosh, Father, you're kind of quiet. Are you feeling okay?

Father: Actually, Kathryn Jean, I am feeling a little unwell and will probably stay home and rest tonight. Be a good girl and give my best to your parents.

K-Lo: Sure thing, Father. Although I was hoping to ask you to be godfather to Jonah Junior. I'd be honored if you would say yes. And I'm running out of people to ask.

Father: That's---very kind of you, Kathryn Jean.

K-Lo: No problem, Father. Children need good Catholic influences in their lives. I'll text you with the details. And I'm going to live-Twitter the funeral so you can follow along if you want.

Father: Thank you. Now run along, young lady.

K-Lo: Don't you have any advice for me Father? You usually do.

Father: No, I don't think that would be any use. Useful. I can't think of anything useful to say.

K-Lo: No problem, Father. See you soon!