K-Lo Goes To Confession: Mission Improbable

K-Lo: (in a fake southern accent) Bless me, Father, for ah have sinned. It's been six days since mah last confession at an undisclosed location far, far away from Florida, where I, a wandering stranger, did not go this weekend, cross mah heart and hope to die.

Father: Kathryn Jean, is that you?

K-Lo: Oh, fudge stripes. What gave me away, Father?

Father: It was a wild guess.

K-Lo: That's very impressive. It reminds me of the gypsy fortune teller that Mama wouldn't let me visit because she would have drawn me into her dark web of occult terror, and I would end up a bride of Satan instead of a bride of Mitt. Not that I know anything about brides. Or weddings. Or go to weddings, except when I have an invitation. Which I always have.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I suspect you have something to confess.

K-Lo: Father, I stole a candy bar. I felt jealousy and envy and I'm not sure but I think I had some impure thoughts. I stole a detonator. I lied about my age. I snuck over a subway turnstile. I threw a peacock at a security guard. I--

Father: Kathryn Jean, back up a little bit. What did you do?

K-Lo: I snuck over a subway turnstile.

Father: Before that.

K-Lo: I lied about my age?

Father: Before that.

K-Lo: I had impure thoughts?

Father: Kathryn Jean!

K-Lo: I stole a detonator, Father, but it was for a very, very good reason. I, uh, wanted to, uh, help a friend set off some fireworks.

Father: Fireworks don't have detonators, Kathryn Jean.

K-Lo: These were very special fireworks, Father, made in communist China where they also hate our freedoms, especially the freedom of the Free Market. Also they like the color red a lot although I'm not sure why.

Father: Kathryn Jean, you are coming dangerously close to lying in confession.

K-Lo: (sigh) Your Jesuit logic is too strong for me, Father.

Father: Actually, I'm not---.

K-Lo: Now, don't be modest, Father. I knew you'd see through me eventually. I wanted to set off a little celebratory explosion at the wedding of a friend. An acquaintance. Okay, a man who blocks my e-mails and once drew a mustache on my program picture at the Young Republican fundraising dinner. Mr. Rush "Talent On Loan From God" Limbaugh.

Father: Yes, I received a chain e-mail asking me to pray for him and his new bride. Now, what was her name?

K-Lo: The Whore?

Father: Kathryn Jean! I'm ashamed of you!

K-Lo: Did you see her blond hair? I've seen more natural-looking hair on my Barbies. And that engagement ring was just tacky. Did you see the way she waved it around? And that jaw-the last time I saw a jaw like hers was when my cousin invited me to go horseback riding with her. And she bosses him around all the time--all the tabloids say so. "Kathryn put Rush on a diet" and "Kathryn is wearing a huge diamond" and Kathryn this and Kathryn that. Her name is Kathryn too! I was so close!

Father: Kathryn Jean, I notice you are avoiding the subject of detonators. It's time to confess, young lady.

K-Lo: Well, you know that this is "Rushbo's" fourth marriage, and it is absolutely necessary for the salvation of his eternal soul that he find a nice girl and settle down and have kids, like he says he always wanted to.

Father: Yeeeees....

K-Lo: But she doesn't love him, Father, I can tell. She doesn't want to have his babies and light his cigars and fetch his slippers, like Mama does for Daddy, except for the cigars because Daddy doesn't smoke.

Father: Detonator, Kathryn Jean?

K-Lo: It was my moral duty to try to save him, Father. So I slipped away from Nanny by jumping--okay, falling--over a turnstile. Boy, was she mad! Then I hid in the baggage compartment of the train to Florida. I didn't have anything to eat the entire time so I stole a candy bar from a lady's suitcase. I took a taxi to the Breakers and distracted a security guard by throwing a peacock at him, for which I am heartily sorry, so help me God. He screamed at me, Father! It was scary!

Father: The peacock?

K-Lo: The security guard. The peacock pecked his eyes.

Father: Oh, Kathryn Jean. Please finish. Quickly.

K-Lo: I snuck into the Bridal Suite and took out the bomb I made with common household chemicals using directions I found on the internet. That's when I had the impure thoughts. The marriage bed was so pretty, Father. It had lace and was covered with white rose petals and glittery confetti and these little tiny candies in a dish on the table next to the bed. I stole some of those too, Father; I didn't want to but I was so hungry and everything smelled like roasted pork and my tummy was growling so loud I thought a maid would find me.

Father: (dryly) God forbid.

K-Lo: Exactly! But I didn't leave the bomb, Father. I just couldn't do it.

Father: The maid?

K-Lo: Two security guards. They were sweeping the room for microphones and itty bitty cameras. I was afraid they'd find the bomb so I wrapped a towel around my head and another around my waist like an apron and pretended I was cleaning the bathroom. I grabbed the bomb but they caught me and I can't remember what happened after that.

Father: Good Heavens, Kathryn Jean! Did they render you unconscious?

K-Lo: I have no idea what happened, Father! I started feeling kind of woozy right after I ate those little candies and I think I passed out. One minute they were grabbing me and talking into their little ear telephones and the next minute I was waking up and they were on the floor, bleeding. Do you think Jesus smote them for me, Father, since I was on a Mission from God? Or maybe I have secret ninja skills that only come out under national emergencies, like Jonah Goldberg has.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I think he was pulling your leg. So you escaped and decided to visit your parents in New York for a while?

K-Lo: I'm laying low, Father, until the heat dies down. I changed my appearance and my voice and I am on the run at Mama and Daddy's apartment. They said I could hide out as long as I wanted. I'm afraid Rush's soul is on its own, which is no more than he deserves for not valuing the love of a good woman over the wiggling bee-hind of a bad one.

Father: Kathryn Jean, say the rosary every day of the week and I hope you've learned your lesson for a while.

K-Lo: Don't fall for men who hire gay-married gay men to be their wedding singers?

Father: No---.

K-Lo: Don't fall for men who marry women younger than you are even though you really aren't that old and are in your reproductive prime?

Father: (firmly) No.

K-Lo: Don't fall for a married man or a man with multiple wives?

Father: Bingo!

K-Lo: Did I win something, Father?

Father: Never mind, Kathryn Jean. Just say your rosaries like a good girl and stay away from weddings.

K-Lo: (bitterly) You don't have to worry about that, Father.

Father: Amen!

Guess Who?

[Mystery Date] is an American Renaissance man. Not only are his interests broad and deep, his expertise on myriad subjects legendary, his character is relentless — and most importantly — comprehensively and quintessentially American. He teaches us, reminds us, inspires us with his pitch-perfect, gut-level understanding and articulation of freedom and America's unique role in leveraging it for the greatest progress in the history of the world. He epitomizes what we all aspire to be, both as citizens and individuals.

...

Through the ups and downs of two decades, his message — always delivered with optimism, civility, and good humor — has been faithful to two core convictions: the power of freedom and the power of American exceptionalism.

...

He is talented, witty, creative, informed, and smart as hell. People look up to him, and love him — and they’re quite right.

...

In the Great Man's own words:

"Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have easier access to the mainstream of society. Just look at the history of feminism if you doubt the truth."

"We must tax the poor. This is not hardhearted and mean. It is axiomatic that if you subsidize an activity or condition you get more of it; if you tax it you get less of it. Obviously, we want to eliminate poverty, and there is the one method that has never been tried: tax it."

"Why should Blacks be heard? They're 12% of the population. Who the hell cares."

"Take that bone out of your nose and call me back."

"Citizen service is a repudiation of the principles upon which our country was based. We are all here for ourselves."

"One of the things I want to do before I die is conduct the homeless olympics...the 10-metre shopping cart relay, the dumpster dig, and the hop, skip, and trip."

"If we are going to start rewarding no skills and stupid people--I'm serious, let the unskilled jobs that take absolutely no knowledge whatsoever to do--let the stupid and unskilled Mexicans do that work."


Gracious, witty, creative, humanitarian, Great Man Rush Limbaugh. Rich beyond avarice and popular with millions. This is America's Hero.

Rush quotes from here and here. Quotes on Rush from the NRO Symposium on Limbaugh.

A Girl Can Dream: K-Lo and Rushbo

It's difficult to understand why poor and lower middle class people would vote for Republicans who will implement policies that would hurt them economically. Why support tax cuts for the rich, the eradication of social services, and expensive wars? To find the answer you can read "What's The Matter With Kansas" by Thomas Frank. The amazon.com review says:

According to Frank, the conservative establishment has tricked Kansans, playing up the emotional touchstones of conservatism and perpetuating a sense of a vast liberal empire out to crush traditional values while barely ever discussing the Republicans' actual economic policies and what they mean to the working class. Thus the pro-life Kansas factory worker who listens to Rush Limbaugh will repeatedly vote for the party that is less likely to protect his safety, less likely to protect his job, and less likely to benefit him economically.

Or you can just read Kathryn Jean Lopez celebrating Rush Limbaugh's new $400 million dollar contract.

‘There but for the grace of God go I.” The phrase is usually a cautionary note. My neighbor’s blunder could have been mine. My co-worker’s illness could easily be my affliction. I ought to count my blessings. But the flipside of the phrase is pregnant with promise, and many Americans felt it when they learned that radio phenom Rush Limbaugh, who marks his 20th year “of broadcast excellence” this summer, is making media history with a new $400-million contract.

Sure, many right-wingers were happy just to know that “El Rushbo” is making more than Katie Couric. “That could be me one day,” many surmise upon hearing news like that. With a little grace and hard work, maybe that kind of great success could be mine. Someday, that could be my son or daughter, if I teach them right. That sentiment — an appreciation of what’s possible in America, land of the free, which includes a free market — is at the heart of many Americans’ reaction to the news.

Yes, you too can drop out of college and make a fortune spreading hate and fear. It's the American Way.

Why do Americans think that they, too, can make tens of millions per year? How could they possibly convince themselves that if they vote for policies benefitting the rich, they are potentially voting for their own benefit? They lie to themselves.

Even though being rich is not the be-all, end-all for Americans, they are optimistic they could be and will be — having that motivational hope, even when probably not entirely realistic. One 2000 Time magazine survey had 20 percent of Americans polled optimistic that they would someday be in the top one percent of American earners; Americans frequently think we’re richer than we are, because we always see great riches and promise before us. Many Americans have real reason to be optimistic, if not always the luck, grace, or determination to seal the deal.

Now, this is Kathryn Jean, eternal virgin optimist and family values pimp, so she has to point out money isn't everything.

A recent Pew poll found that “being wealthy” is far from the top priority of Americans — we value things like “having enough time to do things you want to do,” “being successful in a career,” and “having children.” “Being married” rated as “very important” for 50 percent of those polled, while “being wealthy” rates with only such a priority for 13 percent.

Ah, what we really want is marriage and children, and time to spend with them. Odd, then, that Limbaugh has no family, no wife and children. Three ex-wives, but no current wife and no family. All that money, and nothing to show for it except conspicuous consumption, from food to drugs to women to material possessions. It's almost like there's something missing deep inside, that no amount of things can compensate for. Strange, in such an incredibly gifted and humanitarian person.