Missed It By That Much

Shorter Ross Douthat: Female fetuses are being killed by their parents because women have no value in our patriarchal world. I blame feminists.

K-Lo Goes To Confession: Don't Go Through The Green Door

K-Lo: (briskly) Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been five minutes since my last confession. Oh my Heavenly Father, I am heartily sorry for offending Thee. In Your Holy Omni--omminip--All-Knowingness I'm sure You know that it was all a great big misunderstanding, the kind that anyone could have had. Even really good people who never, ever do anything wrong like a priest or a nun or Daddy and Mama.

(pause)

Father: Kathryn Jean, did you just say it has been five minutes since your last confession?

K-Lo: Yes, Father. I confessed to Father John--the Father John from Canada, not the other Father John--but I think I left a few things out. He said he was late for a meeting when I approached him but I needed to confess really bad so I just kept asking until he gave in. That's how I got Mama to let me get my ears pierced. But I was in such a hurry that I left a few things out and so now I have to confess again. I'll start from the beginning.

Father: That's not necessary, Kathryn Jean, you can just--

K-Lo: It was a dark and stormy night, and I was on a secret mission for Miss Lila Rose's Live Action team of baby rescuers and fornicator punishers, God bless them.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I'm not sure you should become involved with strangers on the internet. You don't know anything about them and they could be harmful to an impressionable young woman. You should stick to the list of sites that the judge said you could visit.

K-Lo: Oh no, Father, Miss Lila Rose is a wonderful person and so pretty and brave and she's doing God's Work. She was so happy that I wanted to work with them to save babies that she couldn't stop giggling the entire time we talked. Miss Lila said that they were going to film another secret Planned Parenthood video and they wanted me to go undercover as an underage Catholic schoolgirl who got pregnant by Al Gore. He wanted her to have an abortion because it would conserve energy! That is so wrong!

Father: Kathryn Jean, you are a kind-hearted young lady and perhaps you did not detect---. Perhaps she was not entirely serious about---.

K-Lo: Father, I know what you're trying to say. By dressing up in one of my old school uniforms and going into a Planned Parenthood Pit I would be endangering my immortal soul. But the babies, Father! Think of the snowflakes! Jesus is in my heart and I knew I could be strong for Him.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I'm sure we don't need to go over the details. You are absolved, say---.

K-Lo: Father, I'm not done! You don't want me to have to come back again, do you?

Father: No, no, by all means, proceed.

K-Lo: So I told Nanny I was going to a costume party at Mr. John Derbyshire's house and put on my coat over my disguise and then I took a taxi to the address that Miss Lila gave me. I was sure it was the right place because there was a big sign with girls in school uniforms on the building. Sister Mary Grace told us that abortion clinics are always trying to lure in Catholic schoolgirls because every time a Catholic schoolgirl gets an abortion, a devil gets his horns.

Father: (dryly) Sister Mary Grace retired none too soon. What happened when you went into the clinic?

K-Lo: Okay, so I went in the building and I said that I was an underage prostitute and this big guy said okay, go to the room at the end of the hallway and I did and then I left. (pause) The End.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I know you meant well but you should have not joined this group without discussing it with your parents first. And your parole officer. You must pick your friends more carefully, young lady. Now, say the Hail Mary five---.

K-Lo: Wait, Father, there's more. It kind of turned out that it wasn't exactly an abortion clinic for Catholic schoolgirls.

Father: As evil as they are, I'm sure that there was no Catholic schoolgirl conspiracy. Say five---.

K-Lo: Ah---.

Father: There's more?

K-Lo: It wasn't exactly an abortion clinic.

Father: It was a regular medical clinic? Well, that would be rather embarrassing, but not sinful in and of itself. Say---

K-Lo: Itwasastripclub.

Father: I'm sorry, what?

K-Lo: (reluctantly) It was a strip club.

Father: Are you sure? You have never been in one, perhaps you were mistaken?

K-Lo: Well, I have now. They had a stage and a woman dancing with nothing on, just like Jonah said. I thought she was undressed because she was about to have an abortion but looking back, maybe not. So I went down the hallway and when I went into the room the man in there said I could just march right back around and send in another girl.

Father: I must say, Kathryn Jean, you are taking this very calmly. It is a very promising sign. Say five Hail Marys and stay away from LiveAction, okay?

K-Lo: But Father, I haven't confessed any sins yet!

Father: Under certain emergency circumstances it is permissible to give a blanket pardon for all sins. I'm sure God would agree that this constitutes an emergency.

K-Lo: But---.

Father: Too late, you're forgiven. Be sure to tell your mother hello for me. Bye-bye.

K-Lo: (Doubtfully) Okay, Father. Gosh, that was easy. But I don't feel very forgiven. Maybe if I told you about the part where I felt lust in my heart....

Father: Dear heaven, look at the time! I really must run, so nice to see you again, we must do this again soon. But not too soon. Off you go. (confessional door clicks open and shut.

K-Lo: (Sigh) Confession hasn't been the same since Vatican II.

K-Lo Goes To Confession

XII: Promotion

K-Lo: Bless me father for I have sinned. I think. I'm not sure. It's been two days since my last confession, two days of horror. My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?

Father: Kathryn Jean, welcome back from Ave Maria. I'm sorry things didn't--

K-Lo: Cut the chatter, Father, I have a problem. I--I'm no longer the editor of National Review Online. They didn't want me anymore, Father. They rejected me, just like the girls in fourth grade and that cute boy at the Catholic U. mixer and every dang man that ever showed up on a blind date. (Sobs.) Sorry for the strong language, Father.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I'm so sorry, my dear. These are tough times indeed, and I have been praying for you ever since you told me about all those books by Mr. Buckley that you had to sell or move out of your headquarters. What will you do?

K-Lo: I'm going to be editor-at-large.

Father: (Giggles.)

K-Lo: Father, why does everyone laugh when I say that? Does "editor-at-large" have some secret liberal porn meaning?

Father: No, my dear, it's just that we're, uh, happy for your success.

K-Lo: I'm not so sure I'm happy with my new success, Father. I have to do Jonah's job now and I'm not sure what Jonah actually does. Sometimes he goes to the movies or gives a lecture, and he always interviews someone at lunchtime for a very important article. Some times he hangs up his Seven of Nine poster and locks his door and he's busy for hours and I have no idea what he's doing. He must have to think really hard!

Father: Kathryn Jean, I've read Mr. Goldberg's work and I'm sure you'll have no trouble filling his shoes, so to speak.

K-Lo: That's not the only thing that's worrying me, Father. I have to move to Washington, DC, away from Mama and Papa. I'll be all on my own, unless I can find a nice elderly woman who wouldn't mind renting a room to a quiet girl with good morals.

Father: Or a nice apartment, or maybe a condo. Kathryn Jean, this is a perfect opportunity for your to do what I've been recommending--get out a bit. Perhaps meet some new people.

K-Lo: Mama says that all a good girl needs is her mother and father and the love of Jesus.

Father: Well, yes, but just as your mother found her mate, I am sure you will find yours.

K-Lo: Who will take care of me until then, Father? Who will tell me what to do? What to think?

Father: You will still have your conscience, as well as your parents, your new priests and the pope.

K-Lo: Where's the pope when you're at a dinner party with a coworker and you start picturing yourself in his manly arms? Huh? When you get that tingly feeling that reminds you that the last time a boy kissed you was oh, a week after never and you're tempted to give in to the same animal lusts that deflowered Bristol Palin and forever left her with the stain of sin on her brow and a babe in arms?

Father: There is always prayer, Kathryn Jean, and it will help your through any crises.

K-Lo: Yes, Father. (Sigh.) Will you say good-bye to Sister Paul of Tarsus for me? Tell her I appreciate all she taught me at school and I won't forget my promise to wear my habit only on Halloween.

Father: I'll do that. I'll miss you very much, Kathryn Jean. You're a fine Christian woman, and I'm sure you'll be successful in your exciting new life. Is there anything I can do to help? Shall I send some of the boys over from the Youth group to help you pack?

K-Lo: Thanks; I still have a few hundred William F. Buckley books to pack, so I'd appreciate the help. Thank you, Father, for being there for me during my times of woe. I'll never forget you.

Father: You too, Kathryn Jean. But I hope to see you at Mass when you visit your parents.

K-Lo: It won't be the same, Father. I feel like I'm leaving my girlhood behind and am becoming a woman. Can you see it on my face, Father? Can you see the rejection and lost hopes and dreams? Can you?

Father: Now, Kathryn Jean, just take a deep breath. You'll be fine. The capitol city will be a very exciting place to work.

K-Lo: It's a den of inequity, Father. Nothing but liberals as far as the eye can see. How will I ever find my True Love among baby-killers and fornicators?

Father: That reminds me, I have a meeting in five minutes with the anti-abortion protest committee. I know of several very nice young men who live in Washington and I'll be happy to e-mail you the names. Bless you, Kathryn Jean, until I have the pleasure of meeting you again.

K-Lo: You're so sweet, Father. I'll be strong and keep my eyes on the Lord. And I have a few ideas about anti-abortion protests myself.

Father: Ah, that might not be--

K-Lo: Good-bye Father, until we meet again!

K-Lo Goes To Confession

X All Tied Up

K-Lo: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been two days since my last confession. But before I confess I have a question to ask. Father, I'm confused. Is it immoral to torture your enemies, like the Nazis did?

Father: Yes, of course, Kathryn Jean.

K-Lo: But were the Nazis really so bad? Nazis are always bad in the movies but Jonah says that Hitler wasn't really so bad and he liked puppies and kittens.

Father: Of course they were; they committed many, many atrocities while trying to wage world war.

K-Lo: But the pope was a Nazi so that means they were good.

Father: He was forced to join the Hitler Youth, Kathryn Jean, it's not the same thing.

K-Lo: But Jonah said that if you call yourself socialist you are socialist. So if you call yourself a Nazi doesn't that mean you are a Nazi?

Father: (firmly) No, Kathryn Jean, it doesn't. Didn't you study WWII in history?

K-Lo: I took history at Catholic U. but we never made it to the Enlightenment I'm asking because Mark Theissen said that if a country needs to kill people it is ethical to kill and torture them. You know, the just war theory. It's okay to torture the Iraqis because Saddam attacked us first and leaving him in power would be worse than invading. Mark said if you torture someone for a good reason it's not only okay, but it's moral and ethical.

Father: That's not exactly--look, Kathryn Jean, the pope frowned very heavily on our invasion of Iraq. He said it was a threat to humanity.

K-Lo: (coldly) What?

Father: He said---.

K-Lo: You take that back!

Father: Kathryn Jean, those are the pope's words.

K-Lo: The pope loves George Bush! And the war!

Father: No, Kathryn Jean. The late pope and the present pope are and were against the war for moral reasons. Only God may take a life.

K-Lo: Father, this is horrible.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I know you are against abortion because it is the taking of life. Surely you are against the death of other innocents as well?

K-Lo: No, no, not that, Father. It's---well, I might have done something wrong.

Father: I'm sure that whatever it is, you meant well. What did you do?

K-Lo: Father I just wanted to to help!

Father: Help whom?

K-Lo: See, there was a woman going into an abortion place that I was picketing....

Father: And...?

K-Lo: She works there, killing little babies, Father. She's a bad, evil woman. So I just asked her to come over to the car.

Father: To...?

K-Lo: Talk to me about her work.

Father: Then...?

K-Lo: I hit her with a blackjack and put her in the basement.

Father: Where...?

K-Lo: I kind of tied her to a board and poured bottled water on her face.

Father: And...?

K-Lo: Made her promise to never go to that horrible place again.

Father: (hopefully) Then you let her go?

K-Lo: Ah, no. If I released her she'd just kill again.

Father: Where is she now?

K-Lo: I tied her to a chair and left her in the basement. But it's okay, I gave her a soda with a straw and put my "Bibleman" tape on the tv for her to watch.

Father: Kathryn Jean, you go home right now and release that woman. The judge is going to be very angry with you.

K-Lo: Father, do we have to tell him? I promise I won't do it again. He'll have to forgive me if I confess, right?

Father: God forgives, Kathryn Jean. The justice system doesn't. You'd better call your lawyer.

K-Lo: (Sigh) Oh, well. Maybe the policemen will be single and he'll admire my morals and ethics and ask me to marry him and have his children for the greater glory of God.

Father: Or it's God's plan for you to make helping the helpless your life's work, Kathryn Jean. Perhaps being childless is God's plan for you after all. As well as a way of protecting children.

K-Lo: I just want to obey somebody, Father. I don't really care who. It's so hard to figure out the right thing to do.

Father: Very true, Kathryn Jean. Sometimes we just have to do what we think is right and hope for the best.

K-Lo: We have to think? I thought we just have to obey. Nobody told me we have to think, too.

Father: Suddenly everything has become perfectly clear.

Feminism

Let's make this short because there are much more important things going on than McArdle. You are not a feminist, Megan.

Bear with me. Most traditional feminists would say that being pro-life is an automatic disqualifier for calling yourself a feminist. I find this argument dramatically uncompelling. Fetal personhood is a quasi-empirical value judgement that should not be made for instrumental reasons--we can't decide that six year old children aren't persons simply because this would possibly make it easier to advance female equality.

...

To be sure, it's obvious to me that slaves are persons, while I find the personhood of fetuses deeply problematic. But I don't think it's facially ludicrous to declare that they are persons. To me that means that "Feminists for Life" cannot, as I've heard declared, be an oxymoron; it seems perfectly possible to embrace all the other tenets of whatever you want to define as feminism, and also regretfully believe that since fetuses are persons, we cannot embrace this particular means of women's liberation.

Megan is not a feminist because she she doesn't think about or understand power. She's an authoritarian, and assumes power belongs to the powerful. The question is not "is a fetus a child." The question is, who decides what a woman does with her body, she or someone else?* Who owns a woman's body? The answer is pretty obvious, to a feminist.


*Women will kill their children, legally or illegally. Abortion doesn't disappear when it's outlawed. And if all abortion were magically eradicated somehow, the child would be killed after birth instead. That's reality. Just as men (and women) will kill foreign babies if they want to wage war against a country. If every baby's life is sacred and none must be allowed to die for any reason, war must be eradicated as well as abortion. Good luck with that.