Every Sperm Is A Ross Douthat Waiting To Be Born

Would you kill this sweet little innocent sperm? (from)

Un Hommage To Ross Douthat (via TBogg)


The American entertainment industry has never been comfortable with spermicide. Oh, sure, there's a movie every so often about ejaculating into a pie or in a Turkish prison, but by and large the death of millions of teensy-tiny little babies-to-be seems too controversial in its genocidal implications.

This omission is often cited as a victory for the pro-spermicide movement. Recent movies such as "The 40 Year Old Virgin" make spermicide seem acceptable, which makes the few sperm that manage to live long enough to fertilize a womb more rare than the sweaty, muscular men who survived the Battle At Thermopylae in 300, yet another all-too-real example of Hollywood instigating the death of millions of sperm.

Recent studies have shown that upper class men are committing spermicidal genocide in record numbers, as they have a lower birth rate than the lusty, muscular lower classes, who work with their hands and sweat and let all their sperm reach true masculine fulfillment through shooting those suckers into God's Fertile Fields, just waiting to give the spark of life to the egg that will one day, God willing, grow up to be a man with strange facial hair and a squeamish reaction to the sight of female breasts.

The only solution is for the poor sperm vessels to donate their sperm to the rich sperm vessels, who can use this unselfish gift to compensate for the decades the rich spend spilling their seed on blue dresses and Wall Street groupies, thereby killing God's Sacred Gift To Men and driving up the country's dry cleaning bills. When we think of sperm, let us think of this little poem, written as two prospective parents sought to find the tiny heartbeats of millions of wee little babies-to-be:

We tried to find you,

Little Sperms, to begin

God's Holy Pilgrimage.

My wife said in fear

Will nothing work-

Not porn, not lingerie?

...And then we saw it,

Rising slowly, then harder and harder,

The Sacred Multitude.

The is the paradox of America's unborn seed. No millions of lives are so desperately sought for, so hungrily desired, and yet so legally unprotected from the sin of spermicide rampant in Liberal America today.