Atlas Shrugged: The Mocking

Saturday, October 20, 2007

The League of Extraordinary Bloggers, Part I

Part I: The Adventure Begins

In a Secret Location, deep beneath the bowels, entrails and colon of Pennsylvania Avenue, a Meeting of Diabolical Minds takes place. It is the League of Extraordinary Bloggers, each a hero (or a heroine or a Coulter) in his (or hers, or Coulter's) own sphere. They are:

Col. Glen Reynolds—famous defender of guns, wherever they are needed to fight the Brown Menace.

Michelle Malkin—a creature of the night, with an insatiable thirst for blood under her modest, cheerleader-clad fa├žade.

Jonah Goldberg—A barefoot man-boy with cheek, famous for being so lazy he got his research assistant to paint his fence.

Hugh Hewitt—a man so colorless that he can be seen right through, unless clothed in the garb of authoritarian man-love. Might also be an albino.

Ann Althouse—A respectable professor who digs deep into the evil aspects of her psyche when she drink an experimental potion know as “Merlot.”

In this episode, our heroes gather to plan their latest campaign.

Reynolds: Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to investigate the latest Leftist plot, a purported attack on one Randi Rhodes. Our mission is to reconstruct the incident, thereby revealing her insidious lies.

Malkin: Perhaps we should just give her the benefit of the doubt. It could have had a perfectly innocent explanation.

The group bursts into peals of laughter.

Hewitt: (chuckling) That was a good one, Malkin. You’re brilliant.

Reynolds: Heh. Indeed. But back to our plan. We will reconstruct the incident here, in our Secret Location Deep under Pennsylvania Avenue. First we’ll need someone to pretend to be Rhodes.

Hewitt: Pick me! Pick me!

Reynolds: Ann, you be Rhodes.

Althouse giggles and blushes.

Reynolds: Malkin, you be the pavement.

Malkin: (shakes pom-poms) Yay! I get to smash a face! This sure beats hiding in the shrubbery! Can I have a snack if she bleeds?

Goldberg: What about me? Don’t I get paid, I mean have a job?

Reynolds: Jonah, you’ll count the broken teeth and measure the force of impact.

Jonah: Cool! (yelling) Hey, intern, get in her and measure something!

Althouse: Broken teeth? But I like my teeth. They’re shiny and all in a row.

Reynolds: Goldberg, we’re deep in the bowels of Pennsylvania Ave. Nobody can hear you yell for your intern. And somebody get Ann some Merlot.

Althouse: No, really, I oughtn’t, well, okay, just one glass.

Althouse drinks the seductive potion, shudders, and licks her lips, her eyes appreciatively taking in the small yet perky sweater that Malkin is wearing.

Hewitt: I think I hear screaming, Reynolds. I thought no one else was here.

Goldberg: You know what, I think someone’s screaming someplace. I thought you said no one was here, Glen.

Reynolds: By George, Jonah, I think you’re right. But don’t worry, he belonged to Karl Rove. We don’t ask questions here in the League of Extraordinary Bloggers.

All: Right, boss.

Althouse: Hic!

Part II Later, after this commercial message….

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