K-Lo Goes To Confession

VI Missed Opportunities

K-Lo: (dully) BlessmeFatherforIhavesinnedit'sbeenthreedaysincemylastconfession. (Sighs heavily.)

Father: Kathryn Jean, is that you? You sound so---different. Is something wrong?

K-Lo: No.

Father: Kathryn Jean, you wouldn't lie to a priest, would you?

K-Lo: (Sighs.) No, Father. I just can't talk about it.

Father: Kathryn Jean, a burden unshared is a burden doubled. Please, talk to me.

K-Lo: I can't, Father.

Father: Kathryn Jean, Christ sent you to confession to ease your burden. You must talk.

K-Lo: It's just--it's (whispers) about s-e-x.

(Pause.)

K-Lo: Father?

Father: (Deep breath.) Go ahead, Kathryn Jean.

K-Lo: Father, I've been a good girl all my life. I obeyed my parents and the pope and never did anything that I shouldn't have. My page in God's Heavenly Accounts is absolutely blank of bad deeds.

Father: But----?

K-Lo: Bristol Palin, the Governor of Alaska's daughter. (Sob.) She-she-(sob)-she (whispers) did it with some boy. And now she's going to have a baby and---and---.

Father: And your generous heart aches for this poor fallen child?

K-Lo: No! Nobody cares! They're all saying at least she's not going to kill her baby and he's a hocky-playing stud and she gets to keep the baby and have a wedding and I don't because mean old Mitt doesn't want me. It's (sob) no (sob) fair (hic!).

Father: Kathryn Jean, are you jealous of this girl?

K-Lo: No father, I just want her to be thrown out into the street and forced to beg for her living like the slut she is. How will people learn to behave if they don't suffer? God has to punish them.

Father: She is carrying a child, Kathryn Jean. Some might say she is already suffering for her actions.

K-Lo: Not enough, Father. She gets a wedding and I bet her parents will give her anything she and her baby need without any suffering for it at all. She gets to buy those cute little outfits and a long white Christening gown and wedding gown and.... (More sobbing.) What do I get for being a good girl? Nothing! Do you know what is happening to my girl parts?

Father: Young lady, I still believe God has a plan for you.

K-Lo: No, I mean it, Father. I have no idea what's happening (whispers) down there. My mother said a lady doesn't even know what "it" looks likes. Or "they," I'm not sure which.

Father: Kath--

K-Lo: Excuse me, Father, but I just had an epiphany. If I get "knocked up" then a nice boy will marry me, too. It happens all the time, according to Byron York. Father, I gotta run. I'm a girl in a hurry.

Father: No! Wait! Stop! Come back! Don't!

K-Lo: Wish me luuuuuuuuck!