Atlas Shrugged: The Mocking

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

K-Lo Goes To Confession

XI: Moving Day

K-Lo: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been eight days since my last confession. This week I refused to honor my father when he told me I couldn't tie up
Fluffy when we play "24." I lied to the waiter in the coffee shop when he asked me if I wanted another dessert. I took the name of the Lord in vain when Jonah kept saying the pope admitted he was wrong about condoms and that proved he wasn't infallible. Father, the world is too much with me. I'm going away from this pit of sin and depravity and nakedness.

Father: Kathryn Jean, you won't be disappointed. I know that your love of the Lord will help you fulfill your potential as a Bride of Christ.

K-Lo: Oh, I'm not going to be a nun, Father. I haven't given up hope of one day being being the Bride of Mitt, or maybe dashing Sen. McCain, depending on who is widowed first. No, I've decided to move to Florida.

Father: It's a good, conservative state, Kathryn Jean, I hope you'll be very happy there although I'll miss our little talks. Still, this is a sign of real progress, that you are leaving the nest and stretching your wings a little. Where will you live?

K-Lo:(excitedly) Ave Maria, Father! Oh, Father, just think! Everyone will be exactly like me! They'll think like me and go to the same church as me and hate the same people as me! Ave Maria! Where the pill is banned and no porn stalks the land! Ave Maria! Where the cross is as high as an elephant's eye! I can't wait!


Aaaaaaaaave Maria, where the Grace comes fallin' from the sky!
And the Taint of Sin cannot get in
Past the Wall of Sanctity so high!
Aaaaaaaaave Maria, every night my crucifix and I
Sit alone and pray, wait for the day
when the Big Love that I crave is mine!
We know we belong to the pope
And the pope we belong to is dope!
And when we say
Yippie Yie-aaay-yay!
We're only sayin' you're doin' fine Ave Maria,
Ave Maria, FL!

Father: That was very nice, Kathryn Jean. I hope you find everything you desire. Um, I hate to bring it up but your parole officer...?

K-Lo: She said it was fine as long as I reported in to my new parole officer in Florida. And didn't wave pictures of fetuses in the DisneyWorld parking lot. Or take pictures of teenage girls in bikinis and write "Shame!" on them and post them on telephone poles. Or throw paper snowflakes on fertility clinic workers. Or---.

Father: Yes, yes, I see. Well, I wish you luck and I'll be happy to give you a reference if necessary. And I hope your new priests enjoy your company as much as I have.

K-Lo: That's so sweet, Father. Me too.

Father: And if it doesn't work out, you can always return to the bosom of your family.

K-Lo: Oh, Father! What could possibly go wrong?

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