Atlas Shrugged: The Mocking

Sunday, August 2, 2009

K-Lo Goes To Confession

XIII: Advise and Consent

K-Lo: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been three days since I last went to confession in Washington, District of Columbia, or as I like to call it, Sodom-on-the-Potomac. I brought a note, Father, so you would know that I I'm not telling a lie.

Father: Welcome back, Kathryn Jean. I hope you are enjoying your new life in DC.

K-Lo: Yes, Father, and I have so much to tell you. I went on a cruise!

Father: Wonderful, Kathryn Jean. Was it a Christian singles cruise?

K-Lo: No, Father, it was the National Review cruise, where successful Republicans can meet with the Party's greatest minds and exchange ideas. I went as a pirate, though.

Father: Oh. That's too bad. So they had a costume ball?

K-Lo: No, Father, I found a crew and rented a power boat and took over the cruise ship with my trusty pirate lasses. But don't worry, I didn't break any laws because we were in international waters and nobody found out because the League stopped me.

Father: Pirate lasses? The League? What---? Never mind, Kathryn Jean, I'm just glad no police were involved this time. So, do you have a sin for me?

K-Lo: Kind of. Father, if you're thinking about sinning, can you go to confession first and then sin, or do you have to wait until afterwards to confess?

Father: Kathryn Jean, it is your responsibility to make the right choice. You must listen to God speak through your conscience and tell you what to do. (hastily) Which is to not sin.

K-Lo: I know, Father, but if someone says it's your duty to break the law, what do you do? If I break the law I'll commit a sin but if I don't break the law I commit a sin too. I'm so confused!

Father: Kathryn Jean, I thought you understood our last discussion about killing abortion doctors perfectly. You assured me that you understood it was morally wrong. You gave me your vow. And you signed a legal document.

K-Lo: No, no, Father, not that law. It's the law against selling your organs. Father, is it wrong to sell your organs?

Father: What? Kathryn Jean, is someone actually telling you to sell your organs? Are you sure you weren't very, very confu--I mean, they weren't talking about food? Maybe a waiter offered you steak and kidney pie?

K-Lo: No, Father, it was something Jonah said. He said that when they went on a cruise together, he and Megan McArdle discussed the libertarian argument for organ selling. Oh, that reminds me. Father, I committed the sins of envy and jealousy. Anyway, he said she was so smart and pretty and knew exactly what to say when some liberal wanted to destroy America's freedom to sell the body parts of the poor.

Father: Kathryn Jean, have you considered that your, uh, professional admiration of Jonah might be a little generous?

K-Lo: Oh, no Father, he has excellent credentials. He has a journalism degree and he's an expert on Hitler and fascism. Everybody I talk to says so. And if they don't, I just put my fingers in my ears and say "lalala" like I do whenever those commercials for male enhancement come on tv.

Father: But selling organs is abhorrent, Kathryn Jean. You mustn't listen---.

K-Lo: Father, Jonah said that Megan said that it was morally wrong to not sell organs. There are all those people dying for a transplant and those selfish poor people are keeping organs they don't even need and preventing the marketplace from being free and killing people who need organs now.

Father: Kathryn Jean, the Pope said that the logic of the marketplace cannot be applied to organ donation. That's a direct quote, young lady. He said there was too much potential for abuse, and the donation system fosters a climate of charity and love. No, there is no question here, Kathryn Jean. Organ selling is utterly immoral.

K-Lo: Father, my brain hurts.

Father: There, there, Kathryn Jean.

K-Lo: I don't understand, Father. Jonah is the leading expert on fascism and history alive today. David Brooks said that Megan McArdle is a brilliant economics blogger. They're all really, really smart--they say so all the time. They have to be right.

Father: They don't have to be right, Kathryn Jean. Just because they are in positions of authority doesn't mean they're right.

K-Lo: But the pope is an authority and he's always right.

Father: That's in religious thought, Kathryn Jean. It doesn't mean anyone in authority is right. Look at the president.

K-Lo: Oh! I get it now, Father!. Our authorities are right and anyone else's is wrong. Like all those silly Muslims and Protestants who think their God is the real God but are really wrong and don't know that our God is the real God.

Father: Technically they are all the same God, but let's not get distracted here, Kathryn Jean. Trust the pope, he has Divine Guidance.

K-Lo: Okay, Father. I won't sell anyone's organs. Or buy any. How about bodies? Jonah says that one day we'll be able to transplant our brains into better-looking bodies and he has first dibs on Chris Pine.

Father: We'll cross that Starfleet bridge when we come to it, Kathryn Jean. In the mean time, obey the law and say ten Our Fathers. And stay away from Jonah, at least for a while.

K-Lo: Thanks, Father. I feel much better now.

Father: I'm glad Kathryn Jean. At least someone does.


Dillon said...

Even if Goldberg could put his brain into Chris Pine's body, his steady diet of Funyuns, Cheetos and Twinkies combined with no exercise would have the new Jonah looking pretty much like the old Jonah in no time.

Which reminds me, did you see that Jonah Goldberg's brother, Josh, is running for public office?

Susan of Texas said...

Dillon--he's just quit as a tour guide? And thinks he deserves to be a councilman? Because the nation needs tea-baggers?

He sounds like a flake. Which means an amusing campaign that will end in flaming disaster.

Hmmm, it could be fun.