RSVP

Summer has arrived and many of you are planning to invite me to your barbeque parties.  Now, I am not one to tell others what to eat or serve. When I was a vegetarian and I was invited to dinner parties, I would lean in confidingly to my hostess and tell her I was willing to choke down anything she served, as long as it wasn't meat, poultry or fish.

"Guests should realize that the world wasn't put here to please them, and instead of placing orders to the hostess like she's a clown's mouth, you should bring your own food," I said, showing her the Asian noodle salad tucked in my minaudiere.

That said, I have strong views about the food you are about to serve vegetarians like the old me and as I am being paid a lot of money to explain economics to the upper classes, it is my duty to tell you what you are doing wrong.

In the past I was shocked to see that I was an afterthought in your outdoor grilling parties. There were hamburgers, hot dogs, steaks, sausages, and even shrimp en brochette, but for the vegan/vegetarian? A box of frozen, depressed veggie burgers who could barely lift their corners to greet their purchaser. Three bean salad. Wet tofu, that you had not started draining the day before. You paid no thought at all to tantalizing my taste buds. You cared nothing for my happiness. And yet you congratulated yourself on your thoughtfulness for thinking of me at all!

The food you served me was disgusting. I mean, the burgers were crumbly and worse than nothing but at least they were edible, if you slapped and doused them and covered them with stuff.  As for sausages, well! All I can say is that those gray, paste-like things flopped limply on the plate, reminding me that my darling husband needed to call an Uber to take us home immediately.

So if you want to cater to someone as refined as myself, use my own recipes. They are the only ones that I consider suitable.