Atlas Shrugged: The Mocking

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

There's Always A Silver Lining

Pope Benedict XVI was snatched off the streets of the Vatican today by the CIA and incarcerated in a secret Federal mental hospital for the criminally insane, according to Vatican Officials.

"It was horrifying," said Cardinal Bernolotti, who was walking with the pope when the pontiff was kidnapped. "One minute he's walking beside me eating ice cream--tutti-frutti on a waffle cone, his favorite--and the next minute six men in American military uniforms descended from a helicopter on ropes and snatched him up. We were too shocked to move. They flew away with His Holiness kicking and screaming. Look, here is his shoe!" The Cardinal held up one ruby slipper embroidered with the papal crest and sporting a gold tassel and burst into tears.

American officials referred the media to a spokesperson for the Supreme Court, Maxwell Springer.

"Look, this was all perfectly legal. We have a smoking gun that he knew about the priests' child molestations for decades and was part of the conspiracy to abet the criminals' actions. Since he was part of a child abuse ring and therefore sexually dangerous, and by definition a sexually dangerous person is also insane, it was perfectly legal to practice rendition on the pope." Springer referred the media to administration officials for further comment.

An administration official who agreed to comment as long as he or she was off the record, said, "Pope Benedict has been incarcerated in a federal facility for the criminally insane. Don't worry, he'll be up for parole in ten years, in which time we'll find he's too dangerous to let go once again. But it's okay, because we have to meet legal requirements, which are that the suspect must be in federal custody, a sexual predator, and insane. Woops! We just talked ourselves into keeping him indefinitely again!"

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