K-Lo: (briskly) Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been five minutes since my last confession. Oh my Heavenly Father, I am heartily sorry for offending Thee. In Your Holy Omni--omminip--All-Knowingness I'm sure You know that it was all a great big misunderstanding, the kind that anyone could have had. Even really good people who never, ever do anything wrong like a priest or a nun or Daddy and Mama.
Father: Kathryn Jean, did you just say it has been five minutes since your last confession?
K-Lo: Yes, Father. I confessed to Father John--the Father John from Canada, not the other Father John--but I think I left a few things out. He said he was late for a meeting when I approached him but I needed to confess really bad so I just kept asking until he gave in. That's how I got Mama to let me get my ears pierced. But I was in such a hurry that I left a few things out and so now I have to confess again. I'll start from the beginning.
Father: That's not necessary, Kathryn Jean, you can just--
K-Lo: It was a dark and stormy night, and I was on a secret mission for Miss Lila Rose's Live Action team of baby rescuers and fornicator punishers, God bless them.
Father: Kathryn Jean, I'm not sure you should become involved with strangers on the internet. You don't know anything about them and they could be harmful to an impressionable young woman. You should stick to the list of sites that the judge said you could visit.
K-Lo: Oh no, Father, Miss Lila Rose is a wonderful person and so pretty and brave and she's doing God's Work. She was so happy that I wanted to work with them to save babies that she couldn't stop giggling the entire time we talked. Miss Lila said that they were going to film another secret Planned Parenthood video and they wanted me to go undercover as an underage Catholic schoolgirl who got pregnant by Al Gore. He wanted her to have an abortion because it would conserve energy! That is so wrong!
Father: Kathryn Jean, you are a kind-hearted young lady and perhaps you did not detect---. Perhaps she was not entirely serious about---.
K-Lo: Father, I know what you're trying to say. By dressing up in one of my old school uniforms and going into a Planned Parenthood Pit I would be endangering my immortal soul. But the babies, Father! Think of the snowflakes! Jesus is in my heart and I knew I could be strong for Him.
Father: Kathryn Jean, I'm sure we don't need to go over the details. You are absolved, say---.
K-Lo: Father, I'm not done! You don't want me to have to come back again, do you?
Father: No, no, by all means, proceed.
K-Lo: So I told Nanny I was going to a costume party at Mr. John Derbyshire's house and put on my coat over my disguise and then I took a taxi to the address that Miss Lila gave me. I was sure it was the right place because there was a big sign with girls in school uniforms on the building. Sister Mary Grace told us that abortion clinics are always trying to lure in Catholic schoolgirls because every time a Catholic schoolgirl gets an abortion, a devil gets his horns.
Father: (dryly) Sister Mary Grace retired none too soon. What happened when you went into the clinic?
K-Lo: Okay, so I went in the building and I said that I was an underage prostitute and this big guy said okay, go to the room at the end of the hallway and I did and then I left. (pause) The End.
Father: Kathryn Jean, I know you meant well but you should have not joined this group without discussing it with your parents first. And your parole officer. You must pick your friends more carefully, young lady. Now, say the Hail Mary five---.
K-Lo: Wait, Father, there's more. It kind of turned out that it wasn't exactly an abortion clinic for Catholic schoolgirls.
Father: As evil as they are, I'm sure that there was no Catholic schoolgirl conspiracy. Say five---.
Father: There's more?
K-Lo: It wasn't exactly an abortion clinic.
Father: It was a regular medical clinic? Well, that would be rather embarrassing, but not sinful in and of itself. Say---
Father: I'm sorry, what?
K-Lo: (reluctantly) It was a strip club.
Father: Are you sure? You have never been in one, perhaps you were mistaken?
K-Lo: Well, I have now. They had a stage and a woman dancing with nothing on, just like Jonah said. I thought she was undressed because she was about to have an abortion but looking back, maybe not. So I went down the hallway and when I went into the room the man in there said I could just march right back around and send in another girl.
Father: I must say, Kathryn Jean, you are taking this very calmly. It is a very promising sign. Say five Hail Marys and stay away from LiveAction, okay?
K-Lo: But Father, I haven't confessed any sins yet!
Father: Under certain emergency circumstances it is permissible to give a blanket pardon for all sins. I'm sure God would agree that this constitutes an emergency.
Father: Too late, you're forgiven. Be sure to tell your mother hello for me. Bye-bye.
K-Lo: (Doubtfully) Okay, Father. Gosh, that was easy. But I don't feel very forgiven. Maybe if I told you about the part where I felt lust in my heart....
Father: Dear heaven, look at the time! I really must run, so nice to see you again, we must do this again soon. But not too soon. Off you go. (confessional door clicks open and shut.
K-Lo: (Sigh) Confession hasn't been the same since Vatican II.