Atlas Shrugged: The Mocking

Saturday, October 11, 2008

K-Lo Goes To Confession

VII Mission: Impossible

K-Lo: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been three days, ten hours, six minutes and forty-nine--fifty--fifty-one---.

Father: (interrupts) Do you have a new watch, Kathryn Jean?

K-Lo: Yes, Father. My father gave it to me for my birthday. It has a stopwatch and a calendar and Mary's face is on the dial. Look, her arms are the hands; one is holding Baby Jesus and the other is holding an American Flag. See, it looks like she's waving it when it moves.

Father: That sounds very patriotic. Do you have a sin for me today, Kathryn Jean?

K-Lo: It's been kind of quiet lately, Father, so I'm short of sins this week. I'm sorry. Oh! I did covet my neighbor's wife.

Father: Uh, Kathryn Jean, don't you mean husband?

K-Lo: I mean Mrs. McCain, Father. She looked so sad yet strong, and real pretty too. I wanted someone to look at me that way, Father. Sad and resigned, yet always smiling. Like the way Mama looks at Daddy.

Father: I see. Yes, we all long for someone to be close to, but I know you hold Jesus close to your heart and will always turn to him as well. Okay, next sin?

K-Lo: ...

Father: Kathryn Jean?

K-Lo: (rapidly) Father, I gave up on marrying "Mittens." It Was Not To Be, just like in that book I confiscated from a girl on the bus.

Father: Did you take her book, Kathryn Jean?

K-Lo: It was my duty, Father. The cover had pornography on it and it was called "Love's Throbbing Desire."

Father: So then you read it?

K-Lo: It was my--

Father: --Duty, yes.

K-Lo: In the book a girl discovers that her boyfriend is just pretending to be nice when he's really mean and makes fun of her. So she meets another man instead, a dashing naval captain with a mad wife in the tool shed. Then the wife falls on a pitchfork and dies, and the girl and sea captain live happily ever after.

Father: K-Lo, you wouldn't happen to have bought a pitchfork lately, have you?

K-Lo: No Father.

Father: Thank the Lord.

K-Lo: I bought a RonCo earth tiller, as seen on tv. I can just prop it up out of the way during a townhall rally, and let nature take its course.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I think you should come to see me at the Parish hall tomorrow, about 8:oo. A very nice support group for singles meets there, and you can make some friends and learn a little about relationships. I'd also like you to meet a friend of mine, a doctor who specializes in, uh, talking to people with problems.

K-Lo: I appreciate that Father but I need to keep my schedule open until the election. And tomorrow I'm going down to the docks to meet some sailors. Maybe they'll tell me what a sailor likes in a girlfriend.

Father: No doubt, no doubt, my dear. Well, I won't try to argue with you. By the way, could you run to my office and fetch my rosary? I seem to have left it on my desk.

K-Lo: Sure, Father. Uh, shouldn't I say a Hail Mary or two?

Father: Of course, of course. Now run along, dear. (beeping noises) Operation Bernadette is a go. Repeat, Operation Bernadette is a go!


NancySC said...

Now I want to see the movie!

Susan of Texas said...

K-Lo will be played by the young lady who starred in "Hairspray."

Jonah Goldberg will be played by a potted plant.