Shorter Ross Douthat: I'm not a hypocrite, I'm just practical.
Shorter Clive Crook: America is speshul and I'll erase your comment if you give me proof otherwise.
Shorter Megan McArdle: I'm going on tv again, and this time I'm wearing make-up!
Shorter Ta-nehisi Coates: I'm still pretending my readers aren't racist.
Shorter Jeffrey Goldberg: A kinder, gentler killing of Arabs, if you please.