Atlas Shrugged: The Mocking

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Man Fires Self: "I'm Too Ugly To Own My Own Stores"

Dov Charney, CEO of American Apparel and noted serial sexual harasser, fired himself this week for not meeting his own attractiveness requirements. As one store manager reported, "Our company holds weekly conference calls that every store manager world/nation wide are required to tune into. We discuss sales, which stores need displays, which items are doing well, etc.

"Summer is supposed to be a great sales season for AA. Needless to say, with the state of the economy, sales haven't been going so well. Dov usually gets on the conference calls and talks to people, but one week, he went on a huge tirade and made stores that weren't doing well send in group photos. Why, you ask? He made store managers across the country take group photos of their employees so that he could personally judge people based on looks. He is tightening the AA 'aesthetic,' and anyone that he deems not good-looking enough to work there, is encouraged to be fired."

Unfortunately for Charney, a few days later Charney saw himself in a shiny elevator wall and flew into a rage. Said an assistant who refused to be identified for fear of retaliation, "It was sad. I felt bad for him. He started screaming that everyone was against him and nobody cared if he was happy, and then he saw his reflection and fired himself on the spot. He said his hair was untidy and his glasses and moustache looked like refugees from a 70's porn movie, and not in a good way. Then he gave himself two weeks notice and told himself to clear out his desk."

Mr. Charney was unable to contacted for this story. He is rumored to have checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic For The Terminally Unattractive.

h/t LOLFed, which also provided thematic inspiration

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