Atlas Shrugged: The Mocking

Monday, June 7, 2010

K-Lo Goes To Confession: Mission Improbable

K-Lo: (in a fake southern accent) Bless me, Father, for ah have sinned. It's been six days since mah last confession at an undisclosed location far, far away from Florida, where I, a wandering stranger, did not go this weekend, cross mah heart and hope to die.

Father: Kathryn Jean, is that you?

K-Lo: Oh, fudge stripes. What gave me away, Father?

Father: It was a wild guess.

K-Lo: That's very impressive. It reminds me of the gypsy fortune teller that Mama wouldn't let me visit because she would have drawn me into her dark web of occult terror, and I would end up a bride of Satan instead of a bride of Mitt. Not that I know anything about brides. Or weddings. Or go to weddings, except when I have an invitation. Which I always have.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I suspect you have something to confess.

K-Lo: Father, I stole a candy bar. I felt jealousy and envy and I'm not sure but I think I had some impure thoughts. I stole a detonator. I lied about my age. I snuck over a subway turnstile. I threw a peacock at a security guard. I--

Father: Kathryn Jean, back up a little bit. What did you do?

K-Lo: I snuck over a subway turnstile.

Father: Before that.

K-Lo: I lied about my age?

Father: Before that.

K-Lo: I had impure thoughts?

Father: Kathryn Jean!

K-Lo: I stole a detonator, Father, but it was for a very, very good reason. I, uh, wanted to, uh, help a friend set off some fireworks.

Father: Fireworks don't have detonators, Kathryn Jean.

K-Lo: These were very special fireworks, Father, made in communist China where they also hate our freedoms, especially the freedom of the Free Market. Also they like the color red a lot although I'm not sure why.

Father: Kathryn Jean, you are coming dangerously close to lying in confession.

K-Lo: (sigh) Your Jesuit logic is too strong for me, Father.

Father: Actually, I'm not---.

K-Lo: Now, don't be modest, Father. I knew you'd see through me eventually. I wanted to set off a little celebratory explosion at the wedding of a friend. An acquaintance. Okay, a man who blocks my e-mails and once drew a mustache on my program picture at the Young Republican fundraising dinner. Mr. Rush "Talent On Loan From God" Limbaugh.

Father: Yes, I received a chain e-mail asking me to pray for him and his new bride. Now, what was her name?

K-Lo: The Whore?

Father: Kathryn Jean! I'm ashamed of you!

K-Lo: Did you see her blond hair? I've seen more natural-looking hair on my Barbies. And that engagement ring was just tacky. Did you see the way she waved it around? And that jaw-the last time I saw a jaw like hers was when my cousin invited me to go horseback riding with her. And she bosses him around all the time--all the tabloids say so. "Kathryn put Rush on a diet" and "Kathryn is wearing a huge diamond" and Kathryn this and Kathryn that. Her name is Kathryn too! I was so close!

Father: Kathryn Jean, I notice you are avoiding the subject of detonators. It's time to confess, young lady.

K-Lo: Well, you know that this is "Rushbo's" fourth marriage, and it is absolutely necessary for the salvation of his eternal soul that he find a nice girl and settle down and have kids, like he says he always wanted to.

Father: Yeeeees....

K-Lo: But she doesn't love him, Father, I can tell. She doesn't want to have his babies and light his cigars and fetch his slippers, like Mama does for Daddy, except for the cigars because Daddy doesn't smoke.

Father: Detonator, Kathryn Jean?

K-Lo: It was my moral duty to try to save him, Father. So I slipped away from Nanny by jumping--okay, falling--over a turnstile. Boy, was she mad! Then I hid in the baggage compartment of the train to Florida. I didn't have anything to eat the entire time so I stole a candy bar from a lady's suitcase. I took a taxi to the Breakers and distracted a security guard by throwing a peacock at him, for which I am heartily sorry, so help me God. He screamed at me, Father! It was scary!

Father: The peacock?

K-Lo: The security guard. The peacock pecked his eyes.

Father: Oh, Kathryn Jean. Please finish. Quickly.

K-Lo: I snuck into the Bridal Suite and took out the bomb I made with common household chemicals using directions I found on the internet. That's when I had the impure thoughts. The marriage bed was so pretty, Father. It had lace and was covered with white rose petals and glittery confetti and these little tiny candies in a dish on the table next to the bed. I stole some of those too, Father; I didn't want to but I was so hungry and everything smelled like roasted pork and my tummy was growling so loud I thought a maid would find me.

Father: (dryly) God forbid.

K-Lo: Exactly! But I didn't leave the bomb, Father. I just couldn't do it.

Father: The maid?

K-Lo: Two security guards. They were sweeping the room for microphones and itty bitty cameras. I was afraid they'd find the bomb so I wrapped a towel around my head and another around my waist like an apron and pretended I was cleaning the bathroom. I grabbed the bomb but they caught me and I can't remember what happened after that.

Father: Good Heavens, Kathryn Jean! Did they render you unconscious?

K-Lo: I have no idea what happened, Father! I started feeling kind of woozy right after I ate those little candies and I think I passed out. One minute they were grabbing me and talking into their little ear telephones and the next minute I was waking up and they were on the floor, bleeding. Do you think Jesus smote them for me, Father, since I was on a Mission from God? Or maybe I have secret ninja skills that only come out under national emergencies, like Jonah Goldberg has.

Father: Kathryn Jean, I think he was pulling your leg. So you escaped and decided to visit your parents in New York for a while?

K-Lo: I'm laying low, Father, until the heat dies down. I changed my appearance and my voice and I am on the run at Mama and Daddy's apartment. They said I could hide out as long as I wanted. I'm afraid Rush's soul is on its own, which is no more than he deserves for not valuing the love of a good woman over the wiggling bee-hind of a bad one.

Father: Kathryn Jean, say the rosary every day of the week and I hope you've learned your lesson for a while.

K-Lo: Don't fall for men who hire gay-married gay men to be their wedding singers?

Father: No---.

K-Lo: Don't fall for men who marry women younger than you are even though you really aren't that old and are in your reproductive prime?

Father: (firmly) No.

K-Lo: Don't fall for a married man or a man with multiple wives?

Father: Bingo!

K-Lo: Did I win something, Father?

Father: Never mind, Kathryn Jean. Just say your rosaries like a good girl and stay away from weddings.

K-Lo: (bitterly) You don't have to worry about that, Father.

Father: Amen!

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