Atlas Shrugged: The Mocking

Friday, April 25, 2008

K-Lo Goes To Confession

These are from my comments at Sadly, No, always a source of inspiration.

I. The Funeral

K-Lo: Bless me Father for I have sinned. It’s been 13 hours and 45 minutes since my last confess—

Priest: Kathryn Jean, is that you? Young lady, you have to actually sin again before you go to confession. I’m not a video game you know.

K-Lo: —ion. Father, you’re not supposed to interrrupt. My mother said it makes Baby Jesus cry.

Priest: Your mother is a fine woman, Kathryn Jean, but perhaps a little too exact in her adherence to dogma.

K-Lo: Father!

Priest: (hastily) You were sinning, you said?

K-Lo: Yes Father. I went to funeral today and I was overcome by lust, mostly of a political nature which is probably just a venal sin, but also of a carnal nature which is probably a cardinal sin, right, Father? At least that’s what Sister—

Priest: I’m sorry, my dear, you said you were at a wedding and overcome by lust?

K-Lo: No, Father, a funeral. (Loudly) F-U-N-E-R-A-L.

Priest: (heavily) Perhaps you’d better explain.

II. The Playboy Magazine

K-Lo: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been twenty-six hours, thirteen minutes since my last confession. I’m sorry, Father, I had a deadline. I promise I’ll–Father, what’s that thumping sound?

Father: Ow. Nothing, Kathryn Jean. It’s so nice to see you again. Why don’t we skip the formalities and go straight to the sinning, seeing as there’s a basketball game on in ten minutes.

K-Lo: (deep breath) Father, I spent the week thinking about pornography.

Father: I’m sorry, what?

K-Lo: Father, I spoke to your before about your hearing. Maybe you should get it checked.

Father: I beg your pardon, my dear. You said you spent the week thinking about ornithography?

K-Lo: No, silly, I mean Father. Dirty pictures. Smut. Licentious women lolling around half-dressed in lacey pajamas. Men giving into their sinful natures, their manhood straining—

Father: Yes, Kathryn Jean, I understand now. Please stop, I beg of you. Just—-continue.

K-Lo: I promise, it was for work. I am campaigning tirelessly to help our brave warriors turn away from Playboy, but nobody in the office will back me up. Jonah just sniggered and twitched, Derbyshire looked down my shirt, and Mark Steyn pretended he was going to hit my arm.

Father: That’s a shame, my dear, for you are doing God’s work.

K-Lo: That’s the problem, Father! Every time I looked at the filth to see what the boys were laughing about, I had strange thoughts. So I tried to think about Jesus instead and my thoughts got even stranger. Do you remember that part in the bible when a woman washed Jesus’ feet with her hair? Of course, I’d have to let it grow, but—–

Father:(hastily) Kathryn Jean, that’s between you and your Lord. So to speak. You’re absolved, say a Hail Mary and ten Our Fathers. And I think it’s time you tried our singles’ mixer, young lady. Before it’s too late.


Anonymous said...

I think the really compelling character is the exasperated priest. I imagine him reaching for his flask of single malt every time Klo's form trundles into the confession booth thingy. (I am a bit unfamiliar with the Roman Empire v2.0's rituals, can you tell?)

Susan of Texas said...

Heh. I've met some tolerant priests, especially the ones from Canada, who had to be imported because of shortages.