Atlas Shrugged: The Mocking

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Woman Nabbed After Bizarre Crime Spree*

A woman was arrested today at the Sweet-N-Cremey ice cream shop in Whispering Pines Mall and charged with assaulting customers and damaging merchandise. Kathryn Jean Lopez, 32, was snatching ice cream cones from the hands of teenagers and shouting about Satan when subdued by police.

"It was, like, totally freaksome," said Amber Johnson, 15, who was at the shop with her mother and sister. "She slapped my ice cream cone out of my hand and yelled that I was a slut and harlot. She said something about temptation and licking, but it was kind of hard to understand with all the shouting. My mom paid five dollars for that cone and she's really pissed."

Witnesses said Ms. Lopez's crime spree started at the mall's QVC, where Lopez hid behind a mall sign and attacked female customers as they left the pharmacy.

"That woman stole my medicine," said Ellie O'Malley, 45. "She jumped out and grabbed my plastic bag out of my hands. Then she tore it apart and stuffed the pills in her pocket. She was shouting, "Think of the babies! Obey the Pope!" over and over. Why would she want my birth control pills? Can't she just get her own? She's not the only one who needs them, you know. I already got four kids and I ain't having any more."

Lopez, according to mall security, then ran down the length of the mall, pulling down mannequins dressed in summer clothing and shouting at customers.

"I respect the Pope but this lady was crazy," said Arturo Calderone, 38, owner of Sun Fun Fashions. "She pulled all the bathing suits off the racks and said I was a purveyor of filth and depravity. There is no filth in the store and our prices are very reasonable. Plus sandals are on sale, in a full range of sizes including extra wide."

Police refused to speculate about Lopez's motivation although they did say she was resting quietly in her cell. "She's still praying but at least the rocking has stopped," said Sgt. Alice Stevens.

*Not really.

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